On Brain Drains and New Moons

I wish I had gotten a better photo of it. As it stood, I was a little surprised I got a shot at all.

1797597_381065995371655_1044029985_nIt was such a weird morning. I’d stepped outside for a smoke, and the woods were still, dark. (Lovely, dark and deep, I believe Mr. Frost would have said.) The sun hadn’t exploded in fire across the horizon, yet. It was just dark- dark, cold, and not a peep from a bird, no rustle of any leaves, no barking dogs. Just that still pre-dawn silence. I pray at dawn, more often than not. I’d love to give you some mystic reason for this, but there isn’t really one. It had become my habit due to fractured sleep disorder- I would wake at about midnight, if I actually managed to get to bed before then, then again at 3 am, and if I bothered going back to sleep, I would wake right before the sunrise, anyway. Most often, I didn’t. I’m still sleeping on close to that pattern, it’s just now, I’ve got a nursing baby that holds me to it. Only he doesn’t frequently wake at dawn- most of the time, just after. In those pre-dawn moments, there are no demands. No energy drains on me. No bitching, no moaning, no anything. It’s usually, if anything, me and a dog just waiting out the end of the night.

This morning, standing there in that darkness, my eyes were hot, but my cheeks were cold. I must pray this prayer more often than anything. It’s dumb and it probably sounds lame but my most frequent prayer, the one that makes me weep with everything in me is just me, begging to understand, followed by just me, begging to help open the eyes of those I love to what I see in them. I do this more often when I’m exhausted from trying to show it, to mirror it. Burnt out. My god, I am so burnt out. I’m drained. I was out there, this morning, just letting that ice filled stillness soak me in and out. Praying maybe I’d catch it in my heart and simply not care anymore. That’s the third one, and the hateful, hurtful thing is that oh, I get the first one. Understanding leads to an answer to the second one, but it’ll never lead to the third. Maybe I should re-order my prayer list, I don’t know. As I stood there, this blast of freezing wind picked up and my god, was it cold. As it did, the sky in front of me, the woods out there, began this sliver of fire-light. Booosh. The treeline just filled with it, it looked like it was on fire, but felt like the tundra. I was trying to purge my heart of some jealous, little, angry feelings that I’d pinged on last night. I knew my impulse was not right. Maybe my instinct is, maybe it isn’t, but my impulse is cruel and I can’t even give in a little. It becomes like a drug for me. I found myself at several points last night gritting my teeth and deep breathing, because even if that’s not a feeling that is mirrored: I’d rather bash every finger on my hand than use it to hurt that one. I love. Love does not harm. Insecurity egged on by impulse? Oh yeah, that’ll bite you in the ass every time.  This morning, a verse I’d read somewhere popped in my head, but don’t crack your Bible, you won’t find it there:

10)  Jesus said, "I have cast fire upon the world, and see, I am
guarding it until it blazes."

11)  Jesus said, "This heaven will pass away, and the one above
it will pass away. The dead are not alive, and the living will
not die. In the days when you consumed what is dead, you made it
what is alive. When you come to dwell in the light, what will you
do? On the day when you were one you became two. But when you
become two, what will you do?"

Which put me in mind of the runic half month we’re going into juxtaposed the Black Moon, because my head is not really a place I think anyone gets. God knows the shrinks have tried.

But before I sat down to write it all out, I ran in, snatched my phone-that-hasn’t-been-a-phone in ages and tried to capture what I saw. I didn’t.

Anyway, if you don’t know, as of the 28th, we’re going into the Runic Half Month of Elhaz. If we rewind it a bit, the 25th kicked off some fun times, really. If by fun, you mean, for some, gut wrenching introspection.

The first significant thing happened on the 25th with Saturn’s occultation. Usually, when we think of such events, we’re thinking about total solar eclipses. However, this happens with more celestial bodies- and on the 25th, Saturn blocked the stars and planets in much the same way that the moon does.

Saturn’s influence, of course is heavy, it’s Saturn. You know- looking forward, looking backward, brooding introspection, listening to Morrissey in the dark Saturn. If you’ve been feeling especially morbid, broody or otherwise off, there’s a good reason. The thing of it is, though, this can be a charging place, a place where you begin to think, really think about who and what you are. The temptation with this is to look forward- worry about the future. Or to look back, either with addicting nostalgia or regret. Neither one will serve you now- and there’s good reason for that, too. The Black Moon.

New moon is now. Animal instincts. Primal. Direct. None of this shit with you moping about, simpering over a past you will never know again. None of this worrying and being terrified over a future which, point of fact, could be undone with one misstep off of a curb into traffic. The New Moon always means business- and that is the pressing business of The Now. It’s also kinda interesting I’d bust out the Book Of Thomas. Another quote:

Jesus said, "Recognize what is in your sight, and that which
is hidden from you will become plain to you. For there is nothing
hidden which will not become manifest."

The New Moon’s also things hidden. Or rather, a journey into those things. I really, really don’t like those things. Most people don’t. They are the boogie men under your bed and you think that those blankets will protect you from the claws. Til you need a drink. Or to pee. Jeez, do you remember that? Being scared shitless in your bed and suddenly, your bladder is holding about two gallons? No? Just me. Okay. Anyway.

And January 2014, is seriously, deeply and completely all about that now and these hidden things just sort of tangling- fire and ice shattering reality all at once, the glow is intoxicating but you stand there too long and you freeze to death kind of thing. On every single plane of existence. Now only does this happen in January, but it will happen again in March. February, on the other hand, will have no new moon at all. This is because it’s the only one that has a short synodic period- just 29.5 days. But the month of January began with a full moon to ring in the new year- and it will end with one, and if the moon is full, it is then new. Fun times. This is when the veil is at her very thinnest, and if you go looking, odds are you will find, kids. Hell, you’ll probably get confronted with it, like having to piss like a Russian racehorse, shivering under your covers for protection.

And we’re going into Elhaz. Seventh Rune of the second aett.

Elhaz is the Elk, a protective rune at its core- but, if you look at the old poem associated with the Elder Furthark, that is not all it is.

It’s also the merging of human and divine realms. I’m not talking about the John Waters character. Elhaz also carries fire and solar connections- the elk seen in representations of this rune are always male, that is because save for reindeer, the only antlered ones are male. This is the Male aspect of the Sun, and as such, solar energy. The Blue Light that meets the White Light. This is a little bit odd for some just starting out because well, in Norse traditions, the Sun is feminine. However, like all: the duality lies within and Elhaz, the Blue, is the masculine. Frey, God of the Sun, does his fighting during Ragnarok with…what….part…oh, yes. An antler. So, there you have it.

So, let me get into what this means. You put it all together, and we have this emergent pattern of hidden things emerging, things lurking and in wait coming out, round and round the mulberry bush, monkeys chasing weasels- monkey thinks it’s all in fun but…POP. Goes the weasel. That has nothing to do with this, I just kind of got distracted for a moment there.

Now. Most of the Judeo Christian complex religions are huge, huge HUGE on guilt. It’s used as this motivator, but guilt splits us away from what we honestly are and what we can honestly do. When Heathens pray, they do so facing North or West. They also do so with arms up up up, not looking at all dissimilar to:

Well, now, how DO you like that?

Well, now, how DO you like that?

What they do not do is prostrate themselves, because that’s not what it’s about. When in worship, or invocation, the Heathens believe that you are as the Vanaheim and Asgard sees you- free, joyful, and coming of your own volition. Without guilt, and without sin. With the understanding of the polarity. As above, so below.

If you find yourself in a position that seems the darkness, if you find yourself full of guilt, lost your way, feeling out of touch- here is a cycle where you can reconnect, where you can move forward, onward and lift your arms. There is no guilt. There is only your connection to whatever is and was and will be. Whatever is hidden, explore it, face it, don’t just peer into the abyss: DIVE. Swim around in it for a while, see what shakes out and then?

Move the fuck on.

You are so much bigger and brighter and better than your guilt, better than the rage and the pain. You are a part of the whole: the darkness, the light, the moon, the sun- all of it.


Side note: My apologies on a couple of delays. Mundane matters sort of tore me from myself for a bit, there. I didn’t want my feels impacting my Feels. I am sorry.



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